Father of Squidward
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Alternate ending to "Shanghaied".


"Squidward, the sky had a baby from my cereal box!" cried the young sea sponge as he ran outside flailing his skinny yellow arms. "Squidward!"

The grouchy green cephalopod poked his bulbous noggin out of his easter island window. He glared at his annoying neighbor. He rolled his eyes. "That's not a baby, it's a giant anchor! Now go away!"

Patrick made his way over from across Squidward's front yard. "Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!"

SpongeBob smiled and high-fived his best friend. "What do you think we should name it?"

Patrick wondered, then he gasped. He looked up and saw a deep purple aura emitted from Squidward's house. SpongeBob saw the newly bred essence as well. His closed his eyes in disdain, fully accepting the impending doom.

"SpongeBob, what happens now?" Patrick asked worriedly.

SpongeBob opened his eyes. "Patrick, I need to solve this horrible problem," he said stoically. "I must quell this madness, for it shan't cease on its own."

"I pray that you hold steadfastly to the faint shimmers of hope instilled by the hearts of heroes since passed…"

Squidward shot out from his window and slammed the ground with his ironclad fists of pure insanity. "SpongeBob… I told you that you'd fail this life," the limber mollusk seethed.

SpongeBob gritted his buck teeth against his attractive bottom ones. He dashed away from Patrick and locked his twin beam katana with Squidward's dangerous tentacles.

"Why do you persist when you know all is hopeless, SquarePants?" Squidward taunted as he slammed a mushy banana into SpongeBob's face.

SpongeBob licked clean the fruity meal that had been plastered among his countenance. "Squidward, you bad person…" he said with a slight tear running down his cheek.

Squidward sneered and jumped back. He planted a bomb on the ground and press the trigger. Squidward shot up fifteen spots on the tier list and is now a Waveshine master.

SpongeBob got his Krusty Krab Pizza out of his back pocket and crammed it into his left nasal cavity. It felt good to mixed the cheesy goodness in with yellowish-green collection of mucoid membranes. SpongeBob pressed a button on the remote inside the pepperoni. Out popped Gary on an electric pogo stick.

"Let's kill evil," said Gary with his cheeks emanating chaos.

"Why ain't ya goin' meow?" asked SpongeBob with attitude faster than the speed of sound.

Squidward cocked an eyebrow sassily as he took in all of the neat business SpongeBob had in his glorious raspy voice. "This is quite a hot encounter…" he said with awesome sauce layered on both sides of his tongue.

SpongeBob charged up the missiles under his fingernails. He shot them at Squidward and it tore parts of his designer jeans (the ones in the closet since Squidward was against wearing pants of any sort).

SpongeBob was feeling really heroic. He got so much credit card power and used it to fly straight into Barg'N-Mart. He purchased a can of peas.

"Before I pass on ownership of this casket to thee, what is your intended use, SB?" asked the fish clerk.

"What do you care?" SpongeBob said with great charisma and then punched the clerk until his spine shot out of his stupid fish nose.

"What ichthyology is this, comrade?" asked Squidward as he entered the market with his righteous new mullet. "I grew this while you were away, cheese boy!"

SpongeBob was so offended to hear this term and then he shot the leftover pizza cheese from between his eyelids like a horned toad.

"Gosh…" said the clerk's spine.

"This is end of the line, Square-for-brain!" roared Squidward. He used two forks and stuck them into the wall in which to hang his precious canned bread collection upon.

"Sounds like stinking trouble…" murmured SpongeBob and his charismatic rasp was so hot that Sandy wanted to date all of it.

"Like an eagle," Gary said as he witnessed the hue of the ocean become a righteous shade of mauve.

Then Sandy came down in her rocket and used her lasso to get Squidward tied. The lasso went all over his tongue and forenose. Squidward was gotten defeated. SpongeBob praised Sandy's valiant efforts and sealed the deal by crushing Squidward in his golden spatulas.

"Is Squidward a goner?" asked Patrick with a quiver in his lip and arrows in the quiver.

"Nay, I think our old boy Squid is okay. He will be reborn as a newer being of immense positive perfection in the near future.

An octopus egg landed from a thundercloud via lightning bolt and SpongeBob sat on it. The egg hatched and a new baby Squidward came out in his signature brown shirt, but he had a much more gorgeous nose.

"You did it, SpongeBob!" said Patrick with so much congratulatory energy. "You have become… Father of Squidward…"

 **FIN**


End file.
